Breaking the silence

Your friendly neighborhood Pudgy Ninja has been on hiatus for a while, but unlike Firefly, Jericho, Constantine, Pushing Daisies, and so many other great things that went on hiatus and never returned, I'M BACK, BABY!

Expect more food, recipes, reviews, weight loss stories and now, with cake!

Pudgy Ninja Diet Review: Slimgenics

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, nor am I a trained dietician. Nothing in this blog is intended as a substitute for medical advice.

Slimgenics, formerly Slim-4-Life is a highly structured diet program. They tell you what to eat, when to eat it, and how to prepare it. The list of food is easy to follow. Hell, it’s not that hard to memorize. In fact, I can summarize the food list in two words: NOT MUCH.

Here’s the gist. They give you a list of foods that covers less than one 8.5x11 page. It tells you things like you can have grapes, but only the green ones; no onions, just scallions; green and red bell peppers, but not yellow peppers, and no Anaheim or poblano chiles; no pork of any kind; salmon, but only once a week. You have to visit the office to weigh in and have your food diary approved three times a week, and you’d better HOPE you lose weight every visit. A two-day stall or GOD FORBID a weight gain will be followed by even MORE food restrictions in the name of a “cleanse.”

Seriously. I’m talking about a mandate to eat nothing but 2 eggs for breakfast, then 8 ounces of chicken breast and 2 cups of Italian parsley for lunch and dinner for three days.

I can’t even begin to express how horrible that is.

One day, after weeks of consistent weight loss and fairly strict adherence to the list of foods, and confessed that I’d eaten a large muffin the day before.

My counselor took my menu from me and crossed off my milk and fruit (The only parts of the day worth waiting for at that point) for the next two days. Not as a “punishment” she said, but to help cleanse the muffin out of my system.

I cried. I’m a full grown adult and I cried over giving up an 8 oz glass of skim milk and a handful of strawberries (which I don’t even like). I was already barely functioning on the food I was allowed. I was teaching kids karate and studying for my brown belt for 2-3 hours every day. I earned every one of those damn strawberries. I earned the muffin, too. I don’t know why any adult would sign up to have someone treat them like that.

Slimgenics is a minefield of dos and don’ts. The only thing you’re allowed to eat without measuring is raw green vegetables. As long as they aren’t peas. Peas are a no-no. And peppers other than bell peppers.

I wrote in the green tea I drink almost daily, and was regularly given the 3^rd degree. Tea? What kind? What brand? What kind of a bottle does it come in?

It’s tea. You put a bag of leaves into hot water and drink it. I’m sure you’ve heard of this phenomenon.

Why was the list so restrictive? Why green grapes and not red grapes? The counselors have three answers for any question: Fat, sugar, sodium. As far as I can tell, they just mix and match them.

Why can’t I have pork loin? Fat.

It’s lower in fat than the chicken breasts you keep telling me to eat. Sodium.

It’s got half the sodium of turkey breast. *blank stare* The system works if you follow it.

Well, of course it does, you’ve got me eating 900 calories a day.

Why can’t I roast some Anaheim chiles, mix them with my creamy chicken soup Thermosnack and have homemade green chili? Sugar.

Really? You think they’re more sugar in a chile than a green bell pepper? Do you know how these things work?

But don’t forget your Thermosnacks. Remember the sawdust-and-despair flavored foods from the Medifast review? Paste a different label on them, mark them up about 40%, and you’ve got the centerpiece of the Slimgenics plan: Thermosnacks.

Does it work? Of course it works, see above for 900 calories per day. But who can keep that up for the long run? I lost 40 lbs in 5 months. I also gained it back in about 6 months when I gave up, and I do mean gave up. I told them I didn’t have the energy for karate on their diet. They told me I should quit karate. I told them I was hungry all the time. They acted like that was a GOOD thing. I understand if you actually make your goal, they have some kind of a transitional maintenance plan, but I’ve never met anyone who actually got there.

Basically, they get you to starve yourself for as long as you can, and if you can’t do it, they punish you.

Not fun.

Is it easy to use? No. You have to prepare all your own food, and even if you’re used to cooking for yourself, it’s a lot of measuring and weighing. You have to eat certain things, and there are no substitutes. One time, the only fruit I had access to was a banana. I chose to skip my fruit rather than have the dreaded off-list banana and risk their wrath. Well, what do you know, I got a scolding for THAT, too. Apparently, only THEY were allowed to take my fruit away. When I asked which is the better choice: eating the off-list fruit or missing a fruit serving for the day, I was told “You can’t let that happen. You have to be prepared for that eventuality.” I’m sorry, but sometimes, plans don’t work out. That’s life.

Their commercials will tell you that you can even eat out! Well, you can eat out if you’re comfortable channeling Meg Ryan from “When Harry Met Sally” dialed to eleven. I’m not talking about “I’ll have what she’s having” Meg Ryan. I’m talking “On the side” Meg Ryan. If you want to eat out with this diet, you have to be very comfortable with special orders.

“I’d like the veggie frittata made with egg whites, with only the red and green peppers, no yellow, no onions, unless they’re green onions, then only 2 tablespoons of onion, and no cheese.”

What would you like on the side?

Water. And despair.

Is it expensive? Oh HELLS yes! I paid over $3000 up front for my weight loss plan. You have to pay a flat sum at the beginning based on how much weight you have to lose. There’s no month-to-month plan, and no trial period. You’re either in or you’re out. And no wonder. If I had known what a soul-crushing experience it was going to be, I would never have signed up. On top of the weight loss fee, you have to buy the Thermosnacks. Plus, they expect you to buy their vitamins, and their metabolic booster drink (basically fruit-flavored caffeine), and their fish oil supplements. I’ve spent a lot on diets over the years, but I can’t think of a single one I wasted more money on than Slimgenics. If I ever feel the need to make tear-water tea, I can just go look at my old Slimgenics receipts. I’m sure the total is over $5,000, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it were more.

Taste? Well, you are at least eating real food most of the time, but it’s the exact same real food over and over and over again. Oh, and did I mention you’re not allowed to use salt? Yeah, there’s that. You get ½ teaspoon of Morton Light Salt every day. That’s it. If you’re a fan of even moderately good food, or god forbid, a good cook, you’re going to be spending every day in purgatory.

Bottom line: I can’t say enough bad things about this diet plan. You get starvation-level calories, severely limited food choices and you have to pay a fortune UP FRONT for the privilege of having a counselor with no apparent training in dietetics, nutrition or counselling berate you for making perfectly sensible choices.

If you want to torture yourself, try a juice cleanse. You’ll get the same effect, without the bitchy counselors, and for a fraction of the price.

My Comfort Zone

Food is everywhere.

Food is sustenance. Food is important. Food is your body’s fuel.

Food is feelings.

You get a promotion? Take your husband out for a celebration dinner.

You got fired? Bury your tears in a Peanut Buster Parfait.

Family get-togethers are all about food. Grandma’s chocolate birthday cake, Grandad’s famous grilled steaks, Aunt Bettie’s apple pie. What’s Thanksgiving without the turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce; and the pumpkin pie piled high with whipped cream?

I was a child of the 70s, and a teen in the 80. My comfort foods are all about high carbs, high fats and sugar. Forget fiber, and if a vitamin comes near them, it’s entirely by accident. Plates were piled high with meat, potatoes and bread. Dinner began with "Go get a pound of ground beef out of the freezer." Vegetables came from a can, and “lettuce” meant iceberg. Period.

Biscuits and gravy

Bacon on Sunday morning

Spaghetti with meat sauce, iceberg lettuce “salad” and Roman Meal wheat bread with butter

My grandmother’s rolls

Tapioca pudding

Jell-o chocolate pudding cooked on the stovetop with that skin on it from the fridge

Tater tot casserole, made with canned cream of mushroom soup and TONS of cheese

Homemade waffles with warm Golden Griddle syrup

Fresh buttered popcorn – preferably while watching Star Trek

Tin roof sundae ice cream

Peanut butter and honey sandwich and a Red Delicious apple

Velveeta cheese dip with Ro-Tel tomatoes

Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and country gravy

Yellow cake from a box with chocolate frosting – that’s still the first thing I think of when I talk about baking a cake.

Chicken. Pot. Pie.

When my husband and I were dating, we saw the marvelous film “Life is Beautiful.” We left the theater in tears. We stood outside in the parking lot sobbing, then, we looked into each other’s eyes, and simultaneously said “Ice cream?” We drove to Baskin Robbins and ate our sadness away.

When I stand at my kitchen counter carefully portioning yeasty bread dough to make my grandmother’s rolls every Thanksgiving, I’m back in her kitchen, helping myself to two, or three or four of them, knowing she made them just because I was coming.

When I teach my son how to mix a jar of pasta sauce with browned ground beef and pour it onto spaghetti, I’m back at my parents’ dining room table, discussing Carl Sagan and arguing about relativity.

These days, the salad I serve on the side will probably be romaine and spinach with a homemade dressing, and the pasta will probably be whole wheat. My kids eat fresh or frozen vegetables every dinner. We keep fruit on the table every day. They know about food groups, fiber, lean proteins and trans fats. They have fish, not in stick form, on a weekly basis.

Which makes me wonder, what foods will my children associate with comfort and familiar times? Will it be the old familiar grilled salmon and steamed broccoli, or will they still turn to the high fat, high sugar foods I make when I’m stressed, or happy, or sad?

What are your comfort foods? What do you eat to feed your soul?

My own worst enemy

It's Monday, time for another Pudgy Ninja diet review.

Only, it's not. Not this time. Something else is on my mind today: self-sabotage.

Three weeks ago, I started a new diet. I was at my heaviest ever, a thoroughly embarrassing 216 lbs, and, as previously mentioned, I was tired of wearing circus tents. I met with my cute little diet counselor and she set me up with everything I need. In two weeks, I lost 8.5 lbs. I wasn't hungry, or at least not terribly hungry. I was doing great.

And then, suddenly, I wasn't. I baked a cake for my niece, and I had to taste along the way, that's a given, but I didn't have to eat a huge spoonful of the frosting AFTER everything was done. I didn't need a second helping of pasta at dinner Saturday. I REALLY didn't need chocolate covered pretzels Sunday afternoon.

I wasn't even hungry. Not really. They were spur-of-the-moment cravings and I didn't need to feed them.

I'm sure other people do this, too. I can't be the only one.

Tell me I'm not the only one, please?

I've read a lot on self-sabotage in the last couple of days. There are a lot of theories on why people sabotage themselves. Sometimes, it's a fear of success. Sometimes, it's about a need to stay in control. Maybe it's giving in to habit, or having unrealistic expectations, or being too rigid.

For me, I think it's a combination. I'm used to failing at diets. I'm really good at it. I'm also fundamentally lazy, but extremely analytical in everything I do. I can't fudge just a bit. I have a list of foods to eat, and I'm either going to stick to that list or I'm going to EAT ALL THE THINGS!

When I weighed in this afternoon, I was down 1.5 pounds from last Monday. It's a perfectly acceptable and healthy weight loss, putting me 10 full pounds down in three weeks. But, I see the specter of failure on the horizon--the looming threat of another upswing on this roller-coaster I've ridden so many times before.

In the 1986 movie "Labrynth" young Sarah has to fight her way through a dangerous maze to rescue her baby brother from the Goblin King. Throughout the movie, she is as much fighting herself as Jareth the Goblin King. By the end, she grows into her own power, her own kingdom. When she reaches the castle, she recites the magic words:

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me."

It's time for me to look my inner goblin king in the eye and tell him "You have no power over me."

Losing weight for all the wrong reasons, right?

Five years ago, I walked into a Slimgenics storefront and sat down across from a counselor. (Spoiler for future Slimgenics diet review: I’m still fat.) She asked me a bunch of questions, including why I wanted to lose weight.

I told her the truth: I needed to take some pressure off my knees for karate. You see, I was about to test for brown belt, and my knees just couldn’t take it.

She couldn’t handle that answer. I guess her form didn’t have “martial arts” on the checklist.

What about your doctor? Your kids? Do you have a special event coming up?

No. Other than my brown belt test.

How about diabetes? To fit into a swim suit?

Brown. Belt. No?

In the end, I assented to one of her suggestions. I don’t even remember which one.

A few weeks ago, I signed up for yet another weight loss plan. I know, definition of insanity, yadda yadda. All I can say in my defense is that it’s a plan I’d never tried before.

I sat in another office surrounded by success stories from people who aren’t me and answered what seems like the exact same list of questions every weight loss counselor has to ask, including my reasons for wanting to lose weight?

Other than the fact I’m about to need my own zip code? I want to be able to wear cute clothes.

Clothing designers seem to think that women my size and age want to wear clothes cut from circus tents. Not just the amount of fabric. I know it takes a lot to cover a body like this, but the designs. I mean, seriously, how many women can there actually be who want to dress like Mrs. Roper?

The realization that it was time to make a change hit me while I was standing in Kohls holding a size 1X mummu-like top, gazing longingly at the beautiful Vera Wang shirts and skirts just across the aisle. I drooled over those clothes like a dog staring at a piece of steak. Oh, I could have tried them on. Sometimes, I can juuuust squeeze into them, but that only makes it worse, because I can’t live my life without breathing, and they usually look like shit anyway. You can’t squeeze a two pound sausage into a one pound casing and expect anything good to come of it.

I was tired of having nothing but flowing, sequined, ugly clothes to wear, so I looked for a diet I haven’t failed at yet.

And the cute young woman who has never worn anything larger than a size six asks me why I want to lose weight.

To wear cute clothes.

What about your health? She asks. Do you want to be around longer for your kids? Do you want to look sexy for your husband?

My husband The Fat Samurai? He’s fine with me the way I am. No, I want to wear cute clothes. I explain the Mrs. Roper thing to her, which requires a remedial lesson on Three’s Company, because she’s about ten years too young to have ever seen the show, and this is getting way off topic. Just tell me how much it costs to lose weight your way and what’s different about your plan from all the others that haven’t worked before.

Is it really that hard to let the thing that got me in the door genuinely BE the reason I want to lose weight?

I want to lose weight. I want it badly enough, I’m willing to dramatically change the way I eat, and pay you for the privilege of letting you tell me how to do it. Why do I also have to be doing it for your reasons?

What’s the right reason to lose weight? The reason that works for you.

What’s the wrong reason? Anything else, no matter what the little boxes on someone's form say.

Pudgy Ninja Diet Review: Medifast

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, nor am I a trained dietician. Nothing in this blog is intended as a substitute for medical advice.

Medifast is a meal-replacement diet plan. The rules are pretty simple: eat five of their meals per day, plus one “lean and green” meal and you lose weight—up to 5 lbs per week.

Medifast as it exists now is a two-fer. It’s a diet plan and a multi-level marketing program. Yes, that’s right, not only can you lose that excess weight, you can get your family, friends and neighbors into the act too! Now how much would you pay? Unfortunately for those who want to make their fortunes upon a pyramid of Medifast minions, all of the foods are available from the website, often with discounts. I suspect the MLM model will soon be as extinct as rotary phones.

Does it work? Yellow light. I tried Medifast for several times for 1-2 week stretches. I lost an average of 2 lbs per week. However, I felt so hungry and deprived, I didn’t stick to it more than maybe 2 out of every 3 days, even for the weeks I was trying to be strict. My father and brother, on the other hand, followed the plan for several months, and lost 20-30 lbs each. It’s about 800-1000 calories per day, which is less than your average toddler eats. Sure, if you can keep yourself from eating everything that isn’t nailed down after three days of that, you’re virtually guaranteed to lose weight. But, under 1000 calories? Who can do that for weeks or months at a time?

Is it easy to use? Green light. A monkey could do it without stretching his brain power. Any 5 Medifast foods plus one meal consisting only of lean meat and green vegetables.
Cost? Yellow light. The meal replacements are sold online for an average cost of $18.75 for 7 servings. That’s a little over $13 per day for your Medifast foods. If you are used to eating out a lot, you may even save money, but if you generally cook your own meals, this can get expensive. Plus, the amount of food you get for your money is pretty paltry.

Taste? Red light. BIG red light. With a siren. At first, you look at what you get to eat and get excited. “I can have macaroni and cheese? Dark chocolate brownies? Breakfast cereal? Sign me up!” Then you dig in, and you realize that the creamy, delicious bowl of macaroni tastes a lot like yellow Styrofoam, and there’s no amount of Sriracha that will make it taste like anything but rehydrated soy cheese on puny, tasteless noodles. I couldn’t tell where the food ended and the carton began. It’s all got this same artificial taste that seeps into your mind until even the cheeseburgers that have replaced Nathan Fillion in your late-night fantasies taste like soy dust and despair.

…TMI?

Anyway, here’s the bottom line: In spite of the ease of use and quick weight loss, I can’t recommend this diet plan. It’s expensive, filled with artificial ingredients and tastes and doesn’t provide enough food for a chipmunk, let alone a healthy adult.

There are worse things than being fat, and Medifast is one of them.

The Pudgy Ninja

Today begins my blog journey. What is a pudgy ninja?

Pudgy: adj
short and fat or thick

I am 5'4" tall and I weigh 216 lbs. I think I qualify on both fronts.

Ninja: n
a member of a feudal Japanese society of mercenary agents, highly trained in martial arts and stealth (ninjutsu) who were hired for covert purposes ranging from espionage to sabotage and assassination.

I'm not a member of a feudal Japanese society, and my martial arts training is pretty basic, but I do assassinate people with my witty repartee.

And what does The Pudgy Ninja weigh in on?
Food, diets, cooking, weight loss, exercise, parenting in relation to those things.

I've tried just about every diet plan out there.
Weight Watchers
South Beach
Atkins
Spark
Slimgenics
Wonderslim
Slim Fast
Medifast
Metabolife
Jenny Craig
The Rotation Diet
Master Cleanse

There are probably more. Some have worked in the short term. Most have been nothing but a waste of time and money. I'll review each of them from my own perspective, and throw in some science along the way. I'll also be chronicling my journey as I once again try to lose some of the excess poundage that keeps me from being who I want to be.

Stick around and see what happens!