My own worst enemy

It's Monday, time for another Pudgy Ninja diet review.

Only, it's not. Not this time. Something else is on my mind today: self-sabotage.

Three weeks ago, I started a new diet. I was at my heaviest ever, a thoroughly embarrassing 216 lbs, and, as previously mentioned, I was tired of wearing circus tents. I met with my cute little diet counselor and she set me up with everything I need. In two weeks, I lost 8.5 lbs. I wasn't hungry, or at least not terribly hungry. I was doing great.

And then, suddenly, I wasn't. I baked a cake for my niece, and I had to taste along the way, that's a given, but I didn't have to eat a huge spoonful of the frosting AFTER everything was done. I didn't need a second helping of pasta at dinner Saturday. I REALLY didn't need chocolate covered pretzels Sunday afternoon.

I wasn't even hungry. Not really. They were spur-of-the-moment cravings and I didn't need to feed them.

I'm sure other people do this, too. I can't be the only one.

Tell me I'm not the only one, please?

I've read a lot on self-sabotage in the last couple of days. There are a lot of theories on why people sabotage themselves. Sometimes, it's a fear of success. Sometimes, it's about a need to stay in control. Maybe it's giving in to habit, or having unrealistic expectations, or being too rigid.

For me, I think it's a combination. I'm used to failing at diets. I'm really good at it. I'm also fundamentally lazy, but extremely analytical in everything I do. I can't fudge just a bit. I have a list of foods to eat, and I'm either going to stick to that list or I'm going to EAT ALL THE THINGS!

When I weighed in this afternoon, I was down 1.5 pounds from last Monday. It's a perfectly acceptable and healthy weight loss, putting me 10 full pounds down in three weeks. But, I see the specter of failure on the horizon--the looming threat of another upswing on this roller-coaster I've ridden so many times before.

In the 1986 movie "Labrynth" young Sarah has to fight her way through a dangerous maze to rescue her baby brother from the Goblin King. Throughout the movie, she is as much fighting herself as Jareth the Goblin King. By the end, she grows into her own power, her own kingdom. When she reaches the castle, she recites the magic words:

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me."

It's time for me to look my inner goblin king in the eye and tell him "You have no power over me."