My own worst enemy

It's Monday, time for another Pudgy Ninja diet review.

Only, it's not. Not this time. Something else is on my mind today: self-sabotage.

Three weeks ago, I started a new diet. I was at my heaviest ever, a thoroughly embarrassing 216 lbs, and, as previously mentioned, I was tired of wearing circus tents. I met with my cute little diet counselor and she set me up with everything I need. In two weeks, I lost 8.5 lbs. I wasn't hungry, or at least not terribly hungry. I was doing great.

And then, suddenly, I wasn't. I baked a cake for my niece, and I had to taste along the way, that's a given, but I didn't have to eat a huge spoonful of the frosting AFTER everything was done. I didn't need a second helping of pasta at dinner Saturday. I REALLY didn't need chocolate covered pretzels Sunday afternoon.

I wasn't even hungry. Not really. They were spur-of-the-moment cravings and I didn't need to feed them.

I'm sure other people do this, too. I can't be the only one.

Tell me I'm not the only one, please?

I've read a lot on self-sabotage in the last couple of days. There are a lot of theories on why people sabotage themselves. Sometimes, it's a fear of success. Sometimes, it's about a need to stay in control. Maybe it's giving in to habit, or having unrealistic expectations, or being too rigid.

For me, I think it's a combination. I'm used to failing at diets. I'm really good at it. I'm also fundamentally lazy, but extremely analytical in everything I do. I can't fudge just a bit. I have a list of foods to eat, and I'm either going to stick to that list or I'm going to EAT ALL THE THINGS!

When I weighed in this afternoon, I was down 1.5 pounds from last Monday. It's a perfectly acceptable and healthy weight loss, putting me 10 full pounds down in three weeks. But, I see the specter of failure on the horizon--the looming threat of another upswing on this roller-coaster I've ridden so many times before.

In the 1986 movie "Labrynth" young Sarah has to fight her way through a dangerous maze to rescue her baby brother from the Goblin King. Throughout the movie, she is as much fighting herself as Jareth the Goblin King. By the end, she grows into her own power, her own kingdom. When she reaches the castle, she recites the magic words:

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me."

It's time for me to look my inner goblin king in the eye and tell him "You have no power over me."

Losing weight for all the wrong reasons, right?

Five years ago, I walked into a Slimgenics storefront and sat down across from a counselor. (Spoiler for future Slimgenics diet review: I’m still fat.) She asked me a bunch of questions, including why I wanted to lose weight.

I told her the truth: I needed to take some pressure off my knees for karate. You see, I was about to test for brown belt, and my knees just couldn’t take it.

She couldn’t handle that answer. I guess her form didn’t have “martial arts” on the checklist.

What about your doctor? Your kids? Do you have a special event coming up?

No. Other than my brown belt test.

How about diabetes? To fit into a swim suit?

Brown. Belt. No?

In the end, I assented to one of her suggestions. I don’t even remember which one.

A few weeks ago, I signed up for yet another weight loss plan. I know, definition of insanity, yadda yadda. All I can say in my defense is that it’s a plan I’d never tried before.

I sat in another office surrounded by success stories from people who aren’t me and answered what seems like the exact same list of questions every weight loss counselor has to ask, including my reasons for wanting to lose weight?

Other than the fact I’m about to need my own zip code? I want to be able to wear cute clothes.

Clothing designers seem to think that women my size and age want to wear clothes cut from circus tents. Not just the amount of fabric. I know it takes a lot to cover a body like this, but the designs. I mean, seriously, how many women can there actually be who want to dress like Mrs. Roper?

The realization that it was time to make a change hit me while I was standing in Kohls holding a size 1X mummu-like top, gazing longingly at the beautiful Vera Wang shirts and skirts just across the aisle. I drooled over those clothes like a dog staring at a piece of steak. Oh, I could have tried them on. Sometimes, I can juuuust squeeze into them, but that only makes it worse, because I can’t live my life without breathing, and they usually look like shit anyway. You can’t squeeze a two pound sausage into a one pound casing and expect anything good to come of it.

I was tired of having nothing but flowing, sequined, ugly clothes to wear, so I looked for a diet I haven’t failed at yet.

And the cute young woman who has never worn anything larger than a size six asks me why I want to lose weight.

To wear cute clothes.

What about your health? She asks. Do you want to be around longer for your kids? Do you want to look sexy for your husband?

My husband The Fat Samurai? He’s fine with me the way I am. No, I want to wear cute clothes. I explain the Mrs. Roper thing to her, which requires a remedial lesson on Three’s Company, because she’s about ten years too young to have ever seen the show, and this is getting way off topic. Just tell me how much it costs to lose weight your way and what’s different about your plan from all the others that haven’t worked before.

Is it really that hard to let the thing that got me in the door genuinely BE the reason I want to lose weight?

I want to lose weight. I want it badly enough, I’m willing to dramatically change the way I eat, and pay you for the privilege of letting you tell me how to do it. Why do I also have to be doing it for your reasons?

What’s the right reason to lose weight? The reason that works for you.

What’s the wrong reason? Anything else, no matter what the little boxes on someone's form say.

Pudgy Ninja Diet Review: Medifast

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, nor am I a trained dietician. Nothing in this blog is intended as a substitute for medical advice.

Medifast is a meal-replacement diet plan. The rules are pretty simple: eat five of their meals per day, plus one “lean and green” meal and you lose weight—up to 5 lbs per week.

Medifast as it exists now is a two-fer. It’s a diet plan and a multi-level marketing program. Yes, that’s right, not only can you lose that excess weight, you can get your family, friends and neighbors into the act too! Now how much would you pay? Unfortunately for those who want to make their fortunes upon a pyramid of Medifast minions, all of the foods are available from the website, often with discounts. I suspect the MLM model will soon be as extinct as rotary phones.

Does it work? Yellow light. I tried Medifast for several times for 1-2 week stretches. I lost an average of 2 lbs per week. However, I felt so hungry and deprived, I didn’t stick to it more than maybe 2 out of every 3 days, even for the weeks I was trying to be strict. My father and brother, on the other hand, followed the plan for several months, and lost 20-30 lbs each. It’s about 800-1000 calories per day, which is less than your average toddler eats. Sure, if you can keep yourself from eating everything that isn’t nailed down after three days of that, you’re virtually guaranteed to lose weight. But, under 1000 calories? Who can do that for weeks or months at a time?

Is it easy to use? Green light. A monkey could do it without stretching his brain power. Any 5 Medifast foods plus one meal consisting only of lean meat and green vegetables.
Cost? Yellow light. The meal replacements are sold online for an average cost of $18.75 for 7 servings. That’s a little over $13 per day for your Medifast foods. If you are used to eating out a lot, you may even save money, but if you generally cook your own meals, this can get expensive. Plus, the amount of food you get for your money is pretty paltry.

Taste? Red light. BIG red light. With a siren. At first, you look at what you get to eat and get excited. “I can have macaroni and cheese? Dark chocolate brownies? Breakfast cereal? Sign me up!” Then you dig in, and you realize that the creamy, delicious bowl of macaroni tastes a lot like yellow Styrofoam, and there’s no amount of Sriracha that will make it taste like anything but rehydrated soy cheese on puny, tasteless noodles. I couldn’t tell where the food ended and the carton began. It’s all got this same artificial taste that seeps into your mind until even the cheeseburgers that have replaced Nathan Fillion in your late-night fantasies taste like soy dust and despair.

…TMI?

Anyway, here’s the bottom line: In spite of the ease of use and quick weight loss, I can’t recommend this diet plan. It’s expensive, filled with artificial ingredients and tastes and doesn’t provide enough food for a chipmunk, let alone a healthy adult.

There are worse things than being fat, and Medifast is one of them.

The Pudgy Ninja

Today begins my blog journey. What is a pudgy ninja?

Pudgy: adj
short and fat or thick

I am 5'4" tall and I weigh 216 lbs. I think I qualify on both fronts.

Ninja: n
a member of a feudal Japanese society of mercenary agents, highly trained in martial arts and stealth (ninjutsu) who were hired for covert purposes ranging from espionage to sabotage and assassination.

I'm not a member of a feudal Japanese society, and my martial arts training is pretty basic, but I do assassinate people with my witty repartee.

And what does The Pudgy Ninja weigh in on?
Food, diets, cooking, weight loss, exercise, parenting in relation to those things.

I've tried just about every diet plan out there.
Weight Watchers
South Beach
Atkins
Spark
Slimgenics
Wonderslim
Slim Fast
Medifast
Metabolife
Jenny Craig
The Rotation Diet
Master Cleanse

There are probably more. Some have worked in the short term. Most have been nothing but a waste of time and money. I'll review each of them from my own perspective, and throw in some science along the way. I'll also be chronicling my journey as I once again try to lose some of the excess poundage that keeps me from being who I want to be.

Stick around and see what happens!